Divorce is shrouded in terminology that doesn’t begin to describe the intricacies of the relationships affected. It comes down to this: co-parenting or shared-custody is a full-time commitment. It requires just as much negotiating as a married couple engage in. Why would a couple who divorced due to irreconcilable differences be able to co-parent well?
It’s no wonder that often co-parenting is just a clever joining of words without substance. It comes down to who is caring for children the majority of the time — whomever the equation is weighted toward, is in charge. And within that paradigm there is little room for co-anything. And divorced? Forget about it. You are married without the health insurance.
You are never divorced if children are involved. You are perpetually divorcing. If the spoils amount to a cat and a Kitchen Aid bought with hoarded 20 percent discount cards from Macy’s by your former mother-in-law, being fully divorced is possible. This past weekend, negotiating the ends and outs of parenting teenagers, I had to admit, I’m not divorced. It won’t be a done deal until I’m pronounced dead. Time of death, 3:10 a.m. Time of divorcED, 3:11 a.m.
I’m just as married as any other aging former Girl Scout leader littering the hair salons of my small town. We are all covering our gray hair now. We are all stepping through the parenting minefields that are the teenage years. The difference between me and the ladies wearing out-of-style 1990s yellow gold wedding band sets? They may still have health insurance through their spouse, and possibly through the years their spouse has morphed into a good friend. Or, they might live inside stony silence and tolerate their spouse.
It is difficult enough with two parents living under the same roof to parent peacefully. It may be impossible when living under two different roofs. Different roofs, with a backdrop of unfinished business, anger, dislike for the other person and a sense of failure — failure for not having been able to paint the back drop a vibrant orange, for not having been able to find a way to get along, for failing to stay under the same roof.
An enlightened few have figured out how to be peaceful living beneath different roofs. Maybe they had good manners to begin with. Maybe they had a preternatural clarity of mind and an ability to transcend the pain accompanying divorce. I am not one of the shiny few.
I was not able to seamlessly move forward. Along with my less than graceful transformation from married to divorcing, I took a “divorce parenting” class required by the state of Massachusetts.
In the mandated class I learned obvious things: Don’t badmouth your former spouse to your children. Don’t ask your children about your former spouse’s private life. Don’t make your children chose who they like to be with more, you or your former spouse. Be kind to your children. Your children will forever be in shock from the selfish and disruptive decision to divorce made by you and your former spouse (that part I added. But something like that was inferred).
The class had the least amount of sexual energy I had ever felt in a room of mixed genders. Our wicks had been snuffed. We were zombie-like. The teacher was hopeful for us all. He assured us that we would go forth and still have healthy children. That we would indeed recover.
That was (hard to believe) six years ago. It was the spring. My mini van in the parking lot after class was the only thing I recognized inside my new life. The class met for four weeks on consecutive Wednesday evenings. After class, we the wickless wonders would file past lilacs heavy and fat, hanging from well-groomed trees. Each of us had failed at something we had cared enough about to make legal. The lilacs in bloom seemed insulting.
I knitted the second scarf I’d ever knitted in my life during that class. The first I made when my parents divorced. I know, ridiculous symbolism. Even more ridiculous? I didn’t recognize the parallel at the time. I just thought I’d been moved to knit pearl, knit pearl my way to sanity. Inside my purse I carried self-help books. My favorite,Necessary Losses, by Judith Voirst, was tattered. My grandmother gave it to me years earlier when my parents divorced, and I knitted that first scarf.
I spent the first years of divorce dreaming that I was going through a divorce. And when I woke up, I realized it wasn’t a bad dream, it was real. Divorce was a bad dream I couldn’t wake up from. Finally I began to dream about daily stressors. When I’d wake up more often than not, the dream had been worse than reality. I felt human again. I often dreamed about losing control of my car. Or, of being lost in a maze. Those dreams were metaphorically blunt. They were easy to shake off.
This past weekend I tried to remain calm while negotiating co-parenting. I tasted rage. Rage tastes a lot like bile. I had accepted that I am not divorced. I had yet to accept that I’m not a co-parent. I got there, this past weekend, Saturday afternoon. I accepted fully that I am not divorced and I don’t co-parent. I just say I am and I do.
Stand Up For Zoraya is the voice of the child
What Does Name “Zoraya” Mean?
You have aspiration and inspiration, hope and guidance. Since you are intuitive and perceptive and you understand human nature. You have the power to achieve. Diplomacy and discretion make you a good mediator. You are inspired, introspective, and have a good understanding of the human heart. You can have the ability to commercialize your artistic talents successfully.
You are often a mystery to others and to yourself. You are always reaching for something higher, without exactly knowing what that “higher” is. You are frank, methodical and believe in law, system and order. You are seeking freedom, opportunities to enjoy life: to make love, to go places and to do things. You are very adventurous and willing to take risk to achieve your objectives. New ways and new experiences can’t satisfy your restless nature. One adventure leads you to another. You are honest and fair, because you know that this is the only way to receive justice and honesty from other people. But your personal growth is vital for your, and it is difficult to be tied down by rules and obligations. Your restless spirit might best controlled by choosing the field of work that meet your demand for action and adventure.
Stand Up For Zoraya is the voice of the child
My name is David and my daughter is Zoraya.
Since January of 2009, we’re happy to populate the Internet with information that is helpful, supportive, and conducive to fostering father-child relationships, reducing or eliminating Parental alienation, for the betterment of our children’s psychological and emotional health, and for the future health of our families and societies.
In addition, Stand Up For Zoraya hopes to shed light on and reform an antiquated loophole in our Legal Adversarial system in Family Law that degrades a father’s role.
Fathers have become undervalued, family structure has become disposable, children suffer without both parents but so often father is left out, seen as nonessential. Let’s correct this by bringing attention to it!
With so many children lacking trusted guardians, we encourage and celebrate any parent willing and able to stand up as an example of unconditional love for their child. We believe children have a right to a meaningful, loving relationship with both their parents.
Please help by making a small donation to the Legal Representation Fund of Zoraya and David Inguanzo, an alienated Child and Parent desperately trying to maintain a meaningful relationship despite unjust court intervention and vexatious and malicious family law litigation by opposing party.
C/O Stand Up For Zoraya
10300 Sunset Drive, Miami, Florida 33173 – 305.270.7796
Google+ Page –https://plus.google.com/117921689297670485165 Causes.com –http://www.Causes.com/ChildrensRights
Thank you so much.
Ngozi A. Godwell ~ TOWARDCHANGE ACTIVIST 4 CHILDREN AND FAMILIES
“David is a devoted father and a very strong Civil Rights campaigner. He is a well informed advocate, publisher and researcher. An experienced litigant in the family court, there is not really much for me to add in this arena about David, because his blogs, causes and websites will give you further insights into his skills. Also under his belt, David has many years behind him as an executive in the field of sales and marketing. I would recommend him to anyone that needed someone in his field. September 6, 2012, Ngozi was with another company when working with David at C.R.F.
Darrick Scott-Farnsworth ~ Mail Processing Equipment Mechanic at USPS
“David is a hard working champion for equal parental rights and is helping to establish an environment where our nations children can have a healthy relationship with both parents without interference by the state.
September 26, 2012, Darrick worked with David at C.R.F.
Mark Nacol ~ Principal of The Nacol Law Firm PC
“David Inguanzo is one of the top Father’s Rights Advocates in the United States. Through his social networking and work in the courts, he has brought a father’s right to participate in his child’s life to the attention of the USA public. I am proud to call David my friend and thank him for helping all dads by drawing attention to a very serious legal dilemma, what rights do fathers have concerning their children? December 26, 2012, Mark A. was with another company when working with David at C.R.F
Dean Tong ~ Legal Services Consultant and Contractor
“”David, as a litigant in pro per, is a force to be reckoned with.” – Dean Tong, MSc.
December 28, 2012, Dean was with another company when working with David at C.R.F.
Michael A. Mastraccici, Esquire ~ “Preserving Parent-Child Relationships, One Separation and Divorce at a Time” (410) 869-3400
“While I generally do not recommend people I have not met in person, in this case I am very comfortable recommending David. I have observed and interacted with him and his works for a few years. His role as a self- represented litigant and a dedicated and influential leader in preserving parent-child relationships is not only admirable but has made him an extremely knowledgeable person in the area of systemic problems in the family law legal system. David knows how to navigate through the rough waters from first hand experience. He is an inspiration to many people. Dogged determination pays off!.
January 3, 2013, Michael A. was with another company when working with David at C.R.F.
Stephen Meehan ~ President of Rainmaker Revenue Consultants, LLC
“David’s commitment to his children, his country, his work ethic, and reform strategies are refreshing, and inspire hope for a better world for all of our children. Keep up the good work!
March 25, 2013, Stephen worked with David at C.R.F.
David William Farmer ~ Family Justice & Child Protection Worldwide Reform Committeemer!
“David Inguanzo is one of the first individuals I discovered when I took my campaign on the internet. Since then not a day has gone by when this Gentleman has tried to help, alert and advise the best practice in Child Welfare and Family Court process’s, as well as keeping many people worldwide as well as the USA up to date with new laws and relevant amendments that can help someone going through this difficult subject.. Together he and I have worked tirelessly to promote beneficial causes for the well being of Children, Families and Society as a whole and would recommend David for any relevant task on this subject; My utmost respect always
Dave Farmer Daveyone Familylawman World4Justice Campaign) April 25, 2013, Dave was with another company when working with David at C.R.F.World4Justice (Lobby Forum) Justice4Children : 2010 – — at World4Justice : Cyber Protest!
David Concepcion ~ Office of the General Manager – AGM at Marin Municipal Water District (MMWD)
“David is a highly professional individual who is very hard-working and is very attentive to detail. It is always a pleasure working with him. August 24, 2012, David worked with David at C.R.F. —