The event itself is traumatic enough as it is, but when a child displays symptoms of permanent changes in emotional attachment it is a very worrying sign of something happening that should not be happening. Given time everyone should be able to move on and the children should be able to reform relationships with both their “still loving” parents. I will go as far as to say that a bad husband or wife has nothing to do with being a good father or mother. The two are separate issues. Yes it’s difficult at first for children to understand or take it all in, but given time and good, intelligent, sincere loving parents who both understand what their children need independent of their personal feelings then the children will not be effected in terms of the respect and love they have for their mum or dad.
The only variable that can effect the turnout of this is a truely selfish and insensitve significant other. It could be the mother, the father of grandparent. This is unforgivable and in a civilized society should be scorned by all. I love my two children now as I did when I lived under the same roof as them. Just because living with a partner becomes intolerable does not mean that your feelings for your children or their feelings for you should change in anyway, shape or form. I really hope the right people read my blogs and status’s because it is critical to our children’s state of mind when they get older. It can effect their every moment in life.
It will be fair to say that almost all children at the beginning won’t realize that they are being abused by their mothers after their parents separation. Furthermore, they are not likely to even ask the question until the child has matured and begins to ask questions independently.
So I decided to ask this question and find children a toolbox of questions and statements that they could ask of themselves and their mothers (in most cases) when confused at why their father isn’t around anymore, because as we know in most cases the fact that the father isn’t around will not be the fault of the father but in fact be simply a hidden symptom of parental alienation abuse being covertly and systematically inflicted on your children by the mother (in most cases).
Are you a child being subject to Parental Alienation?
Ask yourself this question. Does this sound familiar to me?
Parental Alienation Syndrome is the systematic denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the child against the other parent. The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the father.
The alienation usually extends to the father’s family and friends as well.
“Many children proudly state that their decision to reject their fathers is their own. They deny any contribution from their mothers. And the mothers often support this vehemently. In fact, the mothers will often state that they want the child to visit with the father and recognize the importance of such involvement, yet such a mother’s every act indicates otherwise. Such children appreciate that, by stating the decision is their own, they assuage mothers guilt and protect her from criticism. Such professions of independent thinking are supported by the mother who will often praise these children for being the kind of people who have minds of their own and are forthright and brave enough to express overtly their opinions. Frequently, such mothers will exhort their children to tell them the truth regarding whether or not they really want to see their fathers. The child will usually appreciate that “the truth” is the profession that they hate the father and do not want to see him ever again. They thereby provide that answer – couched as “the truth” – which will protect them from their mother’s anger if they were to state what they really wanted to do, which is to see their fathers.
It is important for the reader to appreciate that after a period of programming the child may not know what is the truth any more and come to actually believe that the father deserves the vilification being directed against him.
“The end point of the brainwashing process has then been achieved”
28 Reasons why the mother does it.
1). The mother wants to start a new life and wants the father out of the way. She may be more successful than he is. He is seen as an encumbrance.
2. The mother wants money/property from the father and uses the children as bargaining pawns.
3. The mother hates the father and uses the children as weapons.
4. The mother is possessive and wants all the childrens love.
5. The mother is jealous of the love/gifts the father gives the child but not to her.
6. The mother cannot cope with her own life. Contact with the father in any form is difficult for her. It is a common statement by fathers that the mother suffers from depression. Sometimes PMT, when rows are likely to flare up over minor incidents, and lead to greater hostility.
7. Disappointment. She feels he is unworthy to be a father and doesn’t deserve the children.
8. The mother is egged on by other women hostile to men. Typically if she is in a group of single mothers.
9. The mother uses access to control the children (if you don’t behave then you can’t see daddy).
10. The mother can’t compete with the father who may be able to give the children more treats in the short time he sees them. The children may boost him at her expense, and typically demand more from her.
11. The children may be the only aspect of control the mother has, so uses it to boost her own esteem rather than for the interests of the children. This is the power motive more commonly seen in men.
12. The mother may still like the father and uses the children as a means of controlling him.
13. The mother may be punishing the fathers new partner indirectlyas the father may know that he could see the children if it wasn’t for the new partner.
14. The mother may be independent and never wanted a man around anyway apart from fathering her children (entrapment). Or she may have gained independence during the marriage and now wants to exploit it.
15. As often quoted, the mother may see children as a way of getting a house, welfare money, and other benefits. The father was always incidental in the matter.
16. Some women actually believe that men are not interested in their children.
17. The mother assumes hostility by the father towards her is also towards the children, so ‘protects’ them by keeping him away.
18. The mother has a different lifestyle to the father, and does not want the children to copy his way of life.
19. The mother may have no family of her own (typically foreign wives), whereas the father may have a family. The mother regards the child as ‘her family’.
20. The mother may become emotionally dependent upon the child, and regard any affections the child has for the father as depriving her.
21. The mother simply regards the child as her property, and sees the father as making a claim on her ‘possessions’.
22. The mother dislikes the fathers new partner, who she sees as a rival ‘mother’, so prevents the child seeing the father.
23. The mother’s new partner is the one who is preventing contact because he wishes to be seen as the ‘daddy’.
24. She fears the children will leave her for him.
25. She wants to prove to her new partner that he is the only man in her life.
26. She may have come from a broken family, and not be able to sustain a relationship.
27. The father is a constant reminder of the failed relationship that she prefers to forget.
28. She may be starting a new involvement, or having difficulties with the existing one, and doesn’t want the children to tell the father about her affairs.
Reference for some of the text is below. The rest is my personal experience as an alienated dad doing everything he can to record his every effort to prove his love for his two children and disprove her alienation lies.
Through personal experience of all of the above the only hope I believe is available to a father is to continually maintain your presence. This may not be possible if the mother has achieved her aim. However, maintaining a continuing presence can be achieved via blogging, Facebook posting etc. and any other online media you can use. Because one this is for sure is that sooner or later your child will ask “THE QUESTION” and that is what the mother has been most afraid of throughout the child’s life. Because as the only saying goes. “Its only a matter of time! Anything you have written will be read at some point. Your child is going to be under deepening pressure from his or her peers to open a Facebook account and “then” its only a matter of time before they see your posts. Then the question will rear its ugly head.
Hang in their dads your time will come.
Thank you to http://www.coeffic.demon.co.uk/pas.htm for fantastic words.